Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

Who does Amazon think I am?

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.