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A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
This is painfully accurate 😅
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?