If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
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Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…