Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

every. time.

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…