Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.