Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

Hitlers gonna hitl

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.