If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
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my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
shakira sharkira
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.