If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
no one ever comes back
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Don’t we all.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*