if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
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Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Don’t we all.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
adam and eve had first world problems
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
i wonder why they stopped looking
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith