if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
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Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s