Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

Ugh

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce