If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
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[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
you can only post this today
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Got ya covered
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
