If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
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What kind of a cult is this?
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Danger is very dangerous
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”