If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
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I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Good morning.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance