If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
You Might Also Like
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.