Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same