Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.