If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
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I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence