If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
me doing my best
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here