Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

awkward

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

🤣

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.