If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
You Might Also Like
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Should I call tech support or pray or what
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.