If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
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Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?