If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
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They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.