@Spaced_Cowboy00: If you're not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
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@JoParkerBear: If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
@SondraDeeMe: [babysitting] *calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it's clean?
@leifromloihi: [opens fortune cookie] be careful what you wish for [opens another] this is your final warning
@just1fool: Most of my life consists of trying to keep up with what's not cool so I can be sure to avoid any small talk.