If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

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Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!


Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE


Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.


Do you smoke? Smokers: “Yes.” Non-Smokers: “Never have, never will.” Stoners: “Smoke what?”


I changed my wifi name to “14.4k dial up connection” so no one would bother stealing my signal.


[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes


Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”


This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:


“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob