Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
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Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Do you smoke? Smokers: “Yes.” Non-Smokers: “Never have, never will.” Stoners: “Smoke what?”
I changed my wifi name to “14.4k dial up connection” so no one would bother stealing my signal.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”