If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
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The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak