If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
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Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.