If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
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me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
new career option?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
