If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
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other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones