If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
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After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out