If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
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I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
groan^2
