Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me:

Teen: [returns to bedroom]

Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]

Pretty certain I can more drunk

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!

Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.