Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]