If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
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I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
This is my cat’s medicine.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.