If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
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me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
🍞🦆
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!