Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

Someone just threatened to call me later

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

Where is your GOD now????

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

The United Steaks of America