Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🚲+physics = winner

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”