Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.