Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

I want to meet the individual who made this

Nose

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

Beware of the dog..

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

I can’t stop watching this.

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.