if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
You Might Also Like
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
X-tra spooky blend
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Practicing safe sax
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times