if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
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This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
We’re all getting idioter.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.