Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

OH. COME. ON.

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

You can’t outrun your problems…

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.