if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
boat question
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
do horses think humans are hats
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
The internet is magic sometimes.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
thank god
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song