if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
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She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids