if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
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When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
i think we should see other cousins
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Too easy.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.