If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
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I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”