If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
You Might Also Like
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Old old old old old west
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired