If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
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My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
There is no try. There is only give up.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.