Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

Traveler’s camo

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.