Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.