Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

Bro what is this

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules