Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

Give a baker flours on your first date.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: how would i know

Happy weekend !

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!