If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
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I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
HELP 😭
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.