Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

This kid is going places

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.