If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
You Might Also Like
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.