If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
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this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.