If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
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GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel