If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
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[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
It’s the weekend y’all
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
