Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

awkward

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

If at first you don’t succeed, try try again

“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?