If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
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One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.