If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
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Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Best misinterpreted text ever!
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Breaking news:
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.