“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
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I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
lost dog
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Weirdly Wednesday.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray