@platinum2000

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

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@my_minivan_life

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

@

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@ginadivittorio

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

@AGreaterMonster

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.

@CabetoMejia

From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings

@BuckyIsotope

My dad left for cigarettes and never came back so I’m going to trap a new one

@ImaFlyontheWall

Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.