“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

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No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything




The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook


If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.


From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings


My dad left for cigarettes and never came back so I’m going to trap a new one


Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.