If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Unexpected Judgment
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
*limbos under the caution tape
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.