Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”