Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

can I use a minion as a tampon

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.