If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.