If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
What do you hear?
lumberjacks will cut a birch
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.