Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

These are too funny not to post 😂

Saturday

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

Merica.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.