If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
You Might Also Like
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.