If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
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*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME