If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
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Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.