Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

Wolves should really raise more people.

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:

“All sails are final.”

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.