If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
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[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
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[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
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The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Chicago sounds lovely.
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If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
bad news gang
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
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My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome