Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

I love wikipedia

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.