If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
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Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.